Yesterday I wrote about the issue of faith and how it applies to engaged couples. Let me say right here and now that if you are reading this and you are either married or aren't engaged, these principles still apply to you. No one gets everything right before the marriage but we must always keep working to improve what God has blessed us with.
We Are Family
A critical issue that many married couples face is the role that family will play in their marriage.I've been blessed as a married man to have family members - both mine and Kellie's - who have been gracious to us and have allowed us to grow and mature as a couple and not as an extension of their own opinions. There have been times where they have offered unsolicited advice, but who doesn't do that? Yet the newly married couple forms a new family unit themselves, and as such they must learn to live together and cope with the differences and challenges that will surely be there. Couples must confront and conquer tough issues prior to the wedding date, and many of these issues can be uncomfortable to discuss. This leads us to several important questions that should be asked.
Have you stayed pure in your relationship prior to the wedding? Someone many years ago told me that my physical involvement prior to marriage would affect me in various ways once I was married. This includes my involvement not just with others before I met my future wife, but also with the level of physicality that I allowed to happen between my wife and I prior to our wedding day. Simply put, we must learn from our past but we must also realize that our previous behavior can have adverse affects on our new and growing marriage. It's important that engaged couples are honest with each other about past relationships, a conversation that no one really looks forward to having. Don't be too graphic - that can really cause problems - but be honest about your past experiences. And once your future mate has bared his/her soul, then do not under any circumstances hold that information against them or use it against them in the future.
Along these same lines, how physical are you allowing yourself to be with your future husband or wife? I've heard and used the same excuses myself - "We're getting married so what does it matter?" Believe me, it matters plenty. God blesses the physical within marriage but you aren't going to find many passages where He is honored by the physical before it. Also, if for some unforeseen reason your engagement breaks apart and the two of you do not get married, you have lost a portion of your innocence and given away that which is sacred in such a way that you cannot regain it when you do find that right one to spend your life with.
Are you comfortable with your knowledge of sex and what to expect in the marriage? If you think being comfortable with sex means you become intimate with your future mate prior to the wedding date, then reread what I just wrote above. For those who are willing to wait for their wedding night to enjoy that special moment, then you owe it to yourself to be aware of what to expect that first time. Find someone that you trust and respect and ask the necessary questions (your parents, a married man or woman who mentors you, etc). Again, this can be a bit embarrassing to do so be very careful in discerning whom you speak with (and let me be obvious here - guys should seek the counsel of other men and girls should seek the counsel of other women). I can remember counseling a young man in this area and feeling the heat from his face as he blushed through his inquiries, but the conversation was shrouded in his desire to make his marriage all that it could be in every facet so that it honored his Lord and Savior. If you don't ask then you won't know.
Have you begun to make decisions regarding the impact and influence of extended family upon your marriage? This can be perhaps the area most pocked with landmines in your marriage, and it's one that married couples will continue to work through for years to come. Let's take on two of the more prevalent issues.
First, how will you spend your holidays and vacations? You are used to doing things with your family while he/she always spends special times with his/her family. There may be times where you can do both but more than likely there will be conflicts, especially if extended families live in different cities. So what will you do? The two of you must take time to sit down and discuss this at length and do so without any input from anyone else. Get your feelings and frustrations out and don't hold back on what you are thinking or desiring. Then come up with a plan that both of you can agree on and stick to it. That may mean rotating Thanksgiving and Christmas each year or you might go so far as to keep some of holidays just for the two of you to enjoy together. Be aware that your decisions may not be all that popular with either side of the family but it is your decision to make and, as long as it's not made in a mean-spirited or unfair way, it's one that they will have to live with.
Second, how much advice and input into your marriage and personal decisions should you receive from mom and dad and mother-in-law and father-in-law? There may be no direct way of answering that question, but in doing so I'll give out some sage advice that I was given from my older brother. Make the first year of your marriage your marriage. Spend as much time with each other as possible and not a lot with extended family. This does not mean ignore them on the holidays or special occasions, but it does mean that you focus solely on your mate as much as is possible. If you are used to calling momma everyday, then that's a practice that in the first year of marriage needs to stop. If you are used to spending all day Saturday on the couch with dad while watching every ballgame that's on TV, then it's time to start your own Saturday tradition. This may seem harsh but you must remember this important fact: Your husband/wife is now your family and you must work to protect and grow this new family that God has allowed you to be a part of.
All that being said, you and your future mate must discuss this issue of parental involvement in detail. Let him/her know what your expectations are and patiently listen to what he/she has to say. Agree with each other on how much is enough and how much is too much. Extended family can be a great assess but it can also be a stumbling block if the two of you don't honestly discuss the roles they are allowed or forbidden to play in your marriage.
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