Preparing for What's to Come - Part 3

Dave Ramsey won't be busting down my door anytime soon when it comes to money management principles, but I do understand the importance that finances can and often do play in a marriage. Statistics that I have seen cite financial strain as a primary reason given for divorce in America today. Money or the love of it can be a tremendous hurdle for young couples to overcome, especially when they possess spending habits that are on opposite sides of the spectrum. Here are some questions the engaged (and already married) couple should ask each other about financial issues.

I'll Buy That (But Probably Shouldn't)

Are you bringing any debt into the marriage? Most young adults, if they have gone through college or grad school, have accrued some sort of debt. If it's not school debt then it's credit card debt or a car payment or even a mortgage. Debt relief organizations are a dime a dozen, and the fact that they exist highlights the real problem that too much debt can bring. Some debt is seen as almost necessary - school bills, house and car payment, etc. - but the majority of our debt is the kinds that we choose to bring upon ourselves. We want it, we can't afford, so we'll charge or finance it. Couples need to lay out their "spreadsheets" of debt prior to the wedding day so that they can honestly assess what they are financially getting themselves into. I have heard of couples postponing their weddings because one or both of their debt balances was overwhelming. I am not necessarily advocating that but it is critical to be realistic about the battle that now will now be inherited by your future spouse. Kellie and I went through a debt management course prior to our wedding (let me add that we weren't the most faithful in implementing the principles that we learned) but it did help to instill some discipline into our spending and saving habits. If the financial burden is a bit bigger than you prefer, then the two of you should consider some real debt counseling or a financial program that will help you to realistic manage your finances so that your finances don't manage you (check out Crown Ministries and Dave Ramsey for starters).

Do you live by a budget or by the seat of your pants? Once again it's confession time for me: We don't live by a tight budget. However, we have adopted a informal system of payments based upon our paychecks that allows us to track what's coming in and what's going out so that we aren't too often surprised by a charge or a bill that we weren't expecting. Let's face it, sometimes living paycheck to paycheck is all that you can do at the time giving the income that you make. Let me say that if you are waiting to get married until you can afford it (or have kids for the same reason), then you probably will never be able to afford it in the ideal sense. There are several programs available that will help you to establish a monthly budget and as a bare minimum make sure that both or you are aware of what you make on a monthly basis and that you know exactly what you have going out in the forms of bills and payments. Also, if there are unnecessary payments going out each month for things that you don't really need or use (or are maybe a result of extravagant purchases) then come to an agreement about what you will keep and what you won't. Trim your expenses as much as you can, especially since sharing a home or an apartment together will bring extra monthly expenses that you may not have anticipated (added insurance premiums, housing needs such as furniture and appliances, possibility of a new vehicle, etc.).

Will both of you work? Prior to having children, many couples will both work and then when they start a family the mom (and sometimes the dad) will opt to stay home. Some couples enter marriage with the wife staying home from the get go and the husband being the one that works. Whatever your preference or expectation, make sure that the two of you talk it out extensively and come up with an effective strategy when the time comes. Kellie works on weekends because her job provides us with the necessary medical benefits that we need and her schedule allows me to be home with the kids so that we don't have any childcare needs (we determined long ago that we did not want our children in daycare). We anticipate a day when this won't be the case and when that day comes she will work only if she wants to do so. Some of you may have determined that once you begin to have children then one of you will stay home while the other becomes the sole provider, and if that's the case then you must plan ahead on how to make that possible. On the flip side of that, both of you may plan on working full-time in the midst of starting your family and that will require careful planning on your part as to childcare and scheduling. The importance in all of this is that the two of you have talked it out and are in full agreement on what will work best for you marriage. Let me add a final note to this: There are times when our plans don't match up with reality. It may be necessary for both of you to continue working in order to pay your mortgage and put food on the table even though your desire is for one of you to stay home. Life is filled with these kinds of seasons and marriage is no different. If this is the circumstance you find yourself in then prayerfully commit yourself to working on a plan that will allow one of you to be at home in the future without neglecting the obligation that you have now to provide for your family.

How will you share the burden of shopping and bills? Back in the day, June Cleaver did all the shopping and Ward and boys did all the consuming of it. That may still work today but it doesn't have to be the case. I will confess that I really enjoy doing the grocery shopping. My wife has no problem doing it and is honestly better at shopping for food than I am (I often shop on impulse and with my stomach) but I often jump to it before she does. The point is that we are okay with each other doing the shopping for the house. When it comes to paying our bills I do most of it online but I don't hide what we owe from her. We have no financial secrets in our house and neither should any married couple. Why is that in bold? Quite simply, there are many men and women who secretly shop for things hoping that their spouse either won't know what they've bought or that when the bill comes they can somehow soften the blow. Unless you are shopping for a gift for each other then your purchases should be laid out for both to see. Also, when the bills come, agree with each other on how much can and should be paid on existing balances and don't open any new lines of credit without the other one's knowledge. Kellie and I agreed years ago that we must advise the other before making any purchase above $50, so if I'm out and see something that I want that has a price tag above $50 I have to call her first to make sure it's okay by our checkbook to do so. This helps to eliminate impulse shopping and keeps unnecessary spending in check.

What about the checkbook? When you met and fell in love, each of you had your own checking and savings accounts. Now that you approach married life together, should you share a joint checking and savings account? Yes, you should. I have heard of couples that keep them separate so that they can have their "own" money or they do so because he makes more than she does or vice versa and they want to keep it "fair." Let me be honest on this one - when Kellie and I got married, it became our money, not mine or hers. It didn't matter how much each of us made, we chose not to hide or keep anything from each other and we still don't to this day. In fact, we set up joint accounts prior to our marriage which made it much easier to handle any payments that we needed to make associated with our wedding. This may make sense to you or it may be a concept that makes you gasp, but remember that finances are a primary contributor to divorce. When you share all that you have with each other then there are no secrets to hide or financial confessions to make from the bottom of the hole that you have dug.