The Jesus dilemma

“All the tax collectors and sinners were approaching to listen to Jesus.
And the Pharisees and scribes were complaining, ‘This man welcomes sinners and eats with them!’” (Luke 15:1-2)

In those two brief verses, the entire ministry of Jesus can be summed up as well as the legacy of the church that has been tasked to follow after Him. While He was on earth, Jesus loved those who were far from God while the religious leaders of His day hated Him for it. Unfortunately, that pattern still holds true today.

Years ago, someone coined the phrase “What Would Jesus Do?” (WWJD) and from that spawned countless bracelets, t-shirts, and Wednesday messages from youth pastors. The idea was that if it was good enough for Jesus, then it should be good enough for us, too. And what exactly was good enough for Jesus? Luke 15:1 gives us the answer – He loved those who were far from God.

Today’s Christians – myself included – have too often chosen to take this idea of loving those who are far from God by sending the love of Jesus to far away places in the form of missions and charitable giving. This isn’t a bad idea because, after all, those places have lots of people who are far from God and if we take Jesus to them then maybe they will love Him too, right? Besides, we are going to give them and their kids lots of cool trinkets and hard-hitting gospel messages that will warn them of God’s wrath to come. And then, of course, we will pack up our stuff, drive or fly back home, and have an emotional Sunday service where participants wearing matching t-shirts share testimonies and slides illustrating just how much God did through them when they went to these faraway places to share His love to those who desperately needed it. Can I get an amen?!?

Before you send me hate mail for being so incredibly cynical about the short-term mission trips you have participated in, hear me out. The above illustration is only one example of the dilemma that Christians find themselves in when it comes to loving people like Jesus loved people. I don’t know that I have ever been around a group of believers who did NOT want to see people far from God come into a saving relationship through Jesus Christ. I have never heard a fellow Christian pray, “Lord, DON’T save this person and DON’T let them know the love of Jesus.” To say those things would be absolutely ridiculous, right?

Yet...

How easy it is for fellow Christians to act and sound more like the angry old man who demands that those punk kids stay off his lawn:

• “We can’t put more in the church budget for missions or charitable giving – we need to get this building paid off!”
• “I can’t believe that anyone would support an organization like Planned Parenthood! Those people have no value for human life! And while I’m at it, I hope they catch that immigrant who shot that woman. He should hang for his crime – he doesn’t deserve to live!”
•  “Let’s plan another fall festival for October. Maybe all those people from the neighborhood down the road will come this year so that we can finally reach out to them.”
• “I don’t think I have enough to time to volunteer at the homeless shelter. There is this new Bible study on Tuesday nights that I am in – it’s about loving your neighbor. And then I have choir rehearsal for Sunday morning and don’t forget Sunday night Bible study at the Martin’s house. Oh, and Wednesday we will be at the church leading the children in how to write letters of encouragement to missionaries overseas. Maybe I will have more time later to help out.”
• “Did you hear what that other church down the road is doing? They have members that are opening their home to immigrants who are being relocated to our town. How dangerous does that sound! I would never take the chance of putting my family at risk to help those people – Lord only knows what kind of criminal things they want to do in our country.”

If you have heard or experienced these same kinds of statements, then you can understand how we may be in far more danger of sounding and looking like the religious leaders in Luke 15:2 – complaining about others who are striving to live and love like Jesus did – than we are of actually living and loving like Jesus did.

It is not easy to be a follower of Jesus in the 21st Century. Jesus Himself even said that following Him would be difficult. But it is much more difficult to truly follow Him and love those who are far from God when we as His church have created so many boundaries and safe zones for ourselves that we never actually have to be in close contact with those people in the first place. When the life that Jesus lived every single day looks more like an isolated mission project to His followers, then we have indeed found ourselves in a most precarious dilemma.

Who's got your back?

As I have gotten older I have grown to truly appreciate history. Not that I didn't enjoy history when I was in school, it's just that it didn't click with me as much as it does now. Of particular interest to me is the World War 2 era, probably because my grandfather served on a bomber in the Pacific theater. While he was alive I never heard him speak about  his experiences from the war, and what little I have learned has been from combing through old scrap books that my grandmother made and a small box of memorabilia that I discovered years after his death.

Books about the men and women who served during World War 2 absolutely fascinate me. How did we defeat Japan and Germany with little more than nineteen and twenty year old kids serving so selflessly to defend our freedom? Time and again I read of their sacrifice and work ethic and I think, "What in the world is wrong with me?" Harrowing stories of young marines storming the beaches of remote islands in the Pacific in order to root out the Japanese make for good drama, but beyond that is this sense of brotherhood that boggles the mind. Men running through withering machine gun fire to retrieve a wounded buddy because no man is to be left behind. Soldiers who, just months prior were complete strangers, now step in the line of fire to protect the lives of the guys next to them. A mantra of "we're all in this together" that superseded any rank or hierarchy in the midst of battle. These and countless other accounts amaze and inspire me every time I read them. Someone always seemed to have your back. 

This morning as I was having some time in the Bible and in reflection, I began to think about the many men and women in my life who have had my back over the years. As names came to mind, I wrote them down and my eyes began to sweat just a little as my list got longer and longer. Older couples who mentored me and my wife when we were newly weds and still trying to figure out how to figure out both marriage and parenthood. Childhood friends who stuck with me in my darkest days and are still there today when I need them. Mentors in the ministry who helped to keep me grounded and worked to gradually sand off the rough edges of my pride and arrogance. These men and women had and still continue to have my back!

I honestly do not believe that I would be where I am today if it were not for the many people that pulled alongside of me along life's journey and made critical and timely investments. Their impact in my life reminds me of how much the apostle Paul meant to a young man named Timothy who was charged with overseeing a fledgling church early in the expansion of the gospel into Asia. Timothy was young, but Paul reminded him that young people can still do great things for God (1 Timothy 4:12). Timothy was impressionable, so Paul spent much time giving wise counsel so that he would know how to discern truth from the lies and to understand the dangers of loving things more than God (1 Timothy 6:1-12).  Ultimately, Paul served as a mentor to young Timothy, loving him enough to give him gentle but firm guidance so that he could flourish in his life for Jesus:

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and firmly believed, knowing those from whom you learned. (2 Timothy 3:14)

I am thankful to say that I have had several serve as Paul's in my life. And I certainly want to do the same for others, serving as a voice of reason and wise mentor-ship as they grow in their faith and careers. So, who has your back? Are you allowing others to speak wisdom and truth into your life even if it's painful, or are you convinced that you've got it all figured out and can do it on your own? And who is looking to you for guidance and mentoring - are you taking advantage of this awesome responsibility? 

Give me those old time relationships

When I was a kid the world around me was unique and often intimidating. The mall where my parent's shopped was this huge complex of endless stores and easy places for kids like me to get lost. Fast food restaurants were exotic stops reserved for special occasions where I could peek over the counter as the workers whipped up a milkshake for me while steaming hot fries awaited me beside a fresh made burger. Even my backyard appeared as big as a football field on which I could wear my little self out everyday running and playing with my brothers and my friends.

As easy as it is to romanticize about the "good old days," it's also easy to realize that those places and events weren't so exquisite as I once believed. I can now walk from one end of the mall to the other in a matter of minutes and there are virtually no stores in which I would choose to venture, much less get lost in. Those milkshakes, fries, and burgers are certainly not a treat anymore and the older I get the more I realize that meals from those places did not constitute special occasions; rather, they were convenience stops when life got too busy or mom had not gone grocery shopping yet. That old backyard is still pretty awesome, but it's really more the size of a tennis court than an NFL stadium.

Perspective is everything when it comes to assessing the experiences from our youth. I still choose to romanticize those early days of my existence because those times were so essential to my formation as a young man. Even when those good old days turn out to be not as sacred as I remember, I still find benefit from clinging to a version of the past that causes me to pause and smile, pondering simpler times and experiences that appeared bigger than life. No harm in that, right?

Don't you wish all of life's experiences were that way? Unfortunately, reality has a way of smacking you in the face as you approach adulthood and you realize at some point that living in the past isn't going to get you all that far. This doesn't mean that you have to grow up as a cynic - life is still pretty sweet and the new experiences that you face everyday can be just as good as the ones in your past, ones that you will probably romanticize about ten or twenty years down the road.

Some of my fondest memories are of sitting beside my grandfather on hard wooden pews in a small Baptist church as he gently nudged me to stop fidgeting during the sermon and then listening to his deep baritone voice as he belted out the chorus to I Surrender at the altar call. I don't remember all that much about the content of what I heard or the organizational structure of that little church, but I do remember the people there and how special they made my experiences in Sunday School and at church fellowships. It was those humble beginnings that fueled the fire within me to serve the Lord full-time in vocational Christian ministry.

As good as those times were, I knew that they could not last. Today, that little church is a shell of what it used to be. Most of those congregants from my early days there have either moved on or gone home to the Lord, while the church never was able to move on beyond those simpler times in the 1970's. Those traditional ways were eventually eclipsed by the inevitable shift in our culture with people today preferring a more modern approach to their Sunday experience. Debates have been raging for decades over whether the traditional style church has its place anymore or whether the contemporary structure is what we should all embrace.

Yet if we take a really close look at what is going on in the churches around us, we will see that it's not really about stye or structural changes that are getting people all worked up. Instead, it is the radical change in relationships that so many are experiencing as life gets more complicated and families have less and less time.

Today, people are hungry for real "I-get-you-and-you-get-me" relationships - but they always have been. That's what held that little Baptist church together for all those years, the men and women who "did life together" and invested so much time in each other. Having the pastor preach a sermon that was rooted in the truth of God's word was and still is essential, but even when he had an "off day" those members still had their community rooted in faith to stand upon.

Those memories of people who loved and invested in me are the ones that I cherish the most but they also remain my deepest desires. I honestly no longer have all that much of a preference of style when it comes to church because I believe that when the men and women of God are seeking His face above all else and intentionally engaging in meaningful relationships with one another, all of that pans out in the end. I'm not so sure that we need to "rethink church" or craft newer expressions of worship. Maybe it's as simple as reevaluating the relationships that we have with each other regardless of the size of our gathering. When Christ is central and we are seeking to meet the needs of each other, I will romanticize about that all day.

We can do better

When social media first came to my attention years ago, I made a decision that I would avoid political and controversial posts if at all possible. Of course, I wasn’t always successful early on, garnering my fair share of harsh responses and a few posts that I deleted after I went back and re-read some of my words which made me look like “one of those guys.” Life has been a lot easier using social media for nothing more than posting cute pictures and keeping up with what all of my virtual friends around the world are doing.

Of course, it becomes harder and harder to peruse many of these sites because, more often than not, they are filled with nothing more than caustic opinions about politics and social issues. Yes, American politics is a hot mess and the media is nothing more than a feeding frenzy waiting to unearth the next savory morsel of ill repute that will hopefully doom another candidate or celebrity or turn an issue into a one-sided free for all. The funny thing about all of this is that I’ve yet to see a social media post that successfully sways the masses into agreeing with their point of view. If anything, all they do is cause further division and rupture budding virtual friendships. So not worth it.

The point is: We can do better. It’s not that I don’t care about your views. I truly do care and would be more than happy to discuss them over coffee and doughnut. I realize that you have every right in the world to post whatever you wish on social media and I will defend that right - while at the same time “unfollowing you” because I just can’t handle all of the negativity and one-sided vitriol that consumes my news feed.

Instead, let’s post more pictures of cute puppies and even cuter kids, Bible verses that inspire us to seek after Who really matters, cool videos of amazing guitar solos or soldiers being reunited with their families, requests for good restaurants and better recipes, and of course life events such as births and marriages that need to be celebrated.

Do we truly need social media? I don’t know, and I certainly don’t use it like I used to. But in light of the fact that we no longer send letters or make phone calls like we did back in the “good old days,” it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea as long as it is not abused. Still want to shout about your opinions and political views? Then run for office and be the change you so desperately want to see.

I guarantee that people would be able to accomplish so much more in this world if they stepped away from their keyboards and put their energy into actually trying to solve these problems that make them so angry in the first place. And, I bet that they would be so busy seeking to accomplish these changes that they wouldn’t have enough time to post about it. That would be awesome because it would free my feed up so that I could see more of those cute kitten videos.

Open hands and letting go

Several weeks ago I ran across an article that described the kind of person that I am to the letter. The writer described a group of people that he referred to as "introverted extroverts," those who are outgoing and not shy about being in the public eye yet are just as comfortable being alone with a book or sitting in a quiet place.  If you know me, then you know how much I love to talk and be with people, but it might surprise you just how much alone time I prefer (and need).
In spite of my hidden extrovertedness, I realize that life is not meant to be lived alone. We were made for relationships, first with God and then each other. Consider God's words to us in the Old Testament book of Genesis:

So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female. (Genesis 1:27)

Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper as his compliment." (Genesis 2:18)

So the Lord God called out to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:9)

From these verses we know that God created us in His image so that we could know Him in a real and personal way and that as human beings we are better together. In particular, the family unit includes those kinds of relationships that God had in mind from the beginning. My wife is absolutely my best friend and closest confidant and my children bring great joy and satisfaction to my life.

Which is why this past week has been such a challenging week for the Griggs' family. On Thursday, my wife and I moved our second oldest daughter, who is only fourteen, into the University of North Carolina School of the Arts High School, almost four hours away. The school itself is amazing and the academics are top notch. She has a super cool roommate and the students are well taken care of on a very secure campus. This is an unbelievable opportunity for her to grow not only as an artist but also as young woman.

The struggle for me is not how she will do away at school or whether or not she will be okay. Instead, my biggest concern is how I will do at home with her so far away. As a family of six, we are all so very different from one another, yet we also have shared a unique relational rhythm for the past eighteen years. With the addition of each child to the mix, my wife and I were able to adjust to a new normal and we thrived a little bit more as our family grew. Now that we have subtracted a child at least for a season, the gap in our family dynamics feels like a gaping hole at times.

As I begin to adjust to a newer kind of normal with my daughter away at school, I am keenly aware of just how precious relationships are to me. I am grateful that our family is so close and that we can allow our kids to go and experience the world with open hands, even if they are more ready to go than we are to let them go. This experience has also reinforced just how important my other relationships with friends and co-laborers are.

It is hard to let others that are close to you move on so that they can flourish. Yet it is so rewarding to see them ready to go, knowing that you have invested as much as you can in their lives to prepare them for these moments. Life is indeed better lived together.

Boredom is all in your mind

"I'm bored."

"There's nothing to do."

"Can we go somewhere and do something?"

Growing up, I am certain that I uttered those same phrases at least a million times, especially during the summer months. It didn't seem to matter that I had two older brothers close to my age, a huge backyard to play in, neighborhood pool that never seemed to close, and was surrounded by woods and creeks that never ceased to invite me for an adventure.

Yet even then, I often struggled to find things to do. Since this was the era before computers and cell phone technology, sitting in front of the television was about as lazy as I could get away with until my mom made me go back outside. Most days I was out the door after breakfast and had to be called home (via my mom's vocal chords, not a phone!) for dinner. Boredom wasn't much of an option or a privilege for me and most of the friends I knew.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not claiming to have lived some idyllic childhood where we churned our own butter and went on Robinson Caruso type adventures. But I do believe that my generation was better equipped to deal with how we would solve the problem of too much time on our hands.

Look around you today and you will see that people in America are as busy as they have ever been yet seemingly more bored than all the other past generations combined. Everywhere that you look, teens and adults are glued to their phones in hopes of finding something - anything - to entertain them for the next few minutes of their lives. Texting, SnapChat, and other forms of social media have replaced real live conversations. And no, FaceTime does not count.

Do I love my phone? Yes, I do. I admit that I have to fight the urge to waste precious minutes and hours on my phone looking at everyone else's pictures and posts and reading up on the news. But I also grew up learning the value of a book, of spending time outside, and being with friends talking and laughing with each other deep into the late hours of the night. Face-to-face, not phone-to-phone. These are the things that I still so greatly value.

Boredom doesn't really exist. What does exist is the fact that we've often forgotten how best to utilize the time that we've been given. Gizmos and gadgets are artificial ways of stealing what precious time we actually do have. They can't truly teach you anything. Rather, they often rob you of what you already have.

Imagine how much sweeter life would be if, instead of grabbing that rectangular device every time we've got a few moments to kill, we would instead choose a book or an adventure in the woods or a conversation on the porch until late in the night. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound boring at all.

Life in the new hood

This past Saturday night my new neighborhood - Wrightsville Green, aka The Hood - celebrated its annual 4th of July gathering. Before we even moved in, several of our neighbors were quick to tell us how fun and amazing this night was. Our home owner's association sent us emails reminding us of the festivities and we were asked to sign up to bring food at the community mailbox.

Seeing this as an opportune chance to get to know pretty much everyone in all 50+ homes, we agreed to bring cantaloupe (because you can't have a party without melon) and a cucumber/tomato/onion salad (because if they didn't eat it, I would). The days leading up to the shindig were filled with stories of past 4th of July celebrations and how this year's was going to be the best ever.

Finally the big day had arrived. The party officially started at 4:00 but we planned to be fashionably late because it's really awkward when you don't really know many people and you are the first ones to show up. Our posse left the house at 4:30 to make the short walk down to what is known as the common area, which is composed of the back yards of several houses that share Bradley Creek as their border. This creek is a meandering salt water marsh creek that eventually feeds into the Atlantic Ocean and it is an ideal spot for launching a small boat, kayak, or stand-up paddle board, which I haven't done yet but plan on doing soon.

As we rounded the bend of one of the houses, I was immediately struck by the decadent smell of smoked pork. Jamie, whose house lies in the common area and is also the pit master, lifted the lid to a rather large smoker to show me a behemoth of a pig that was almost cooked to perfection - all 140 pounds of it. He let me know that he also had a secret sauce that was willed to him by man whose barbecue sauce was locally famous but who would not give up the recipe until after he had crossed the threshold of heaven. I ain't gonna lie - that was some good sauce! Another neighbor, Steve, was also there and very attentive to the needs of this simmering sow.

It wasn't long before the rest of the neighborhood began to roll in (we weren't as fashionably late as I had hoped) and that's when the party really started hopping. Kids were absolutely everywhere! And the food just kept coming - chips and dips, rice and beans, chicken wings and some green rolled up things, as well as cookies and brownies and lemon squares, which I'm pretty sure Jesus Himself enjoys as a late night snack. When the pig was done and the men had begun to chop her into a million little pieces, the feast officially began.

Our two oldest daughters, who didn't know a soul, played it pretty close to the vest at the beginning, preferring to hang near mom and dad. Not so with our two youngest ones. You would have thought that they shared crib space with all of the neighborhood kids! Meeting new people has never really been a harrowing experience for my wife and I either, and we quickly found ourselves engrossed in conversations with people whom just a few moments before had been perfect strangers.

My wife met another neighbor who is also a professor at UNCW, teaching in the area of creative writing. I may or may not have told her to read my blog to see what she thought. There was sophomore at UNCW who will be living in his parent's newly purchased home (they live in another city) during the school year and who is interested in some of the same areas of ministries in which I have served. Chris is a guy from England who I kept having a conversation with because I enjoy discussing English soccer but mainly because I loved to hear his accent. There were also surfers, entrepreneurs, stay-at-home moms, an MMA trainer, photographer, a couple who helps rescue girls from the sex trade, and many, many others.

The evening culminated in the grand finale for the 'hoods annual celebration - a fireworks display that was not only illegal but incredibly dangerous. The aforementioned Jamie and Steve were also a few of the pyrotechnic experts who had assembled an obscene amount of gun powder fueled entertainment, much of which I am pretty sure would get you locked up in Mexico.

Positioning ourselves a "safe" thirty-some yards away from ground zero, several of us oohed-and-aahed at the amazing display of glittered colors in the sky as the more responsible adults assembled the kids a safer distance away. Even more entertaining than the fireworks were the antics of several grown men as they lighted wicks and danced out of the way before certain disaster happened.

As the evening was about to come to a close, a near catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions happened. A mortar tipped, sending its wayward cargo shooting in all directions, including straight at me and my youngest daughter who decided to join me closer to the action. Instinctively I stuck out my sandaled foot as a shield to block the fiery missile, hoping for a split second act of heroism to save the day. Thankfully, it fizzled out right as it was about to make contact, saving both my lower leg and my Rainbow flip flops. Several of my neighbors reacted with horror at the fact that they had almost killed the new guy, but we were able to nervously laugh it off once we saw that no damage was done.

Indeed, this was a memorable night in our new neighborhood, one that we won't soon forget. We are grateful for the new friendships that were made and can't wait to grow and foster them more in the future. Lying in bed later that night, my wife and I were recounting our day when we both realized that something really cool was occurring in this neighborhood of people that we had just met: They were doing an amazing job of living in community with one another.

Community is what so many of today's churches are seeking after yet are failing to achieve. Relationships are built on more than just shared belief; they thrive on a shared connection, one that is rooted in a genuine interest in not only the well-being of others around you but in also sharing life with them - the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all.

I think we're gonna like it here.

We aren't starting over, we're just turning down a new road

This past Monday morning June 19, 2017, a couple of trailers and a whole host of people showed up at our town home in Southport, NC, to help us pack our lives up and move us up to Wilmington, NC. For several hours we sweated, laughed, grunted at ridiculously heavy pieces of furniture, and laughed some more.

Our journey to Wilmington began towards the end of last summer with a bit of a nudge. Both my wife and I sensed that God was moving us in that direction, but we weren't exactly sure why. My position at the church I was serving in was going and growing well - I truly enjoyed being both a Teaching Pastor and Connections Pastor there, helping people plug in and take their next step with God. Even though my wife is a nursing professor at UNCW, she was okay driving back and forth a few days a week. Our kids had all of their friends in Southport and we lived in a really cool community. Why move?

God continued to nudge us and we continued to pray for His wisdom and guidance. At the beginning of December, some dear friends of ours from Wilmington told us about a house in their neighborhood that had just gone on the market, for sale by owner. They said it would be perfect for our family and we should check it out. Being familiar with the neighborhood and loving how it was laid out, we said why not, let's take a look. We loved the home the moment we set foot inside of it.

Things began rolling after that. Within a week's time we had come to an agreement with the home owner and on January 31, 2017, we closed on our new home. We decided that we would wait until the end of the school year before we moved in, giving our children the chance to finish at their respective schools and to have that valuable time with their friends. In the meantime, we would venture one or two days a week to change paint colors and put our own touches on the place. Three days ago that house officially became our new home.

As you read this story, you may notice that there is one element missing. What am I going to do as far as ministry is concerned now that I am in Wilmington? That's a great question - I'm glad you asked!

Even though the future for my ministry was unclear, from the very beginning my wife and I had a peace about this move. Let me rephrase that. We had a intermittent peace about the move, interspersed with doubting and second guessing and moments of panic. Are doing the right thing? Maybe we misunderstood what God was trying to show us? Why move now when things are going so good?

As we wrestled with these realities, there was one constant at the forefront of all our planning, dreaming, excitement, and worries - God is faithful. He has a plan and His plan is always better than anything I could possibly scheme. So as far as what I will be doing up here, the moment those trailers pulled up in front of our new home this past Monday, my new ministry began.

I want to be the best neighbor that I can possibly be, loving my new neighbors well and being a godly influence in my new community. But my plan is not to just sit at home and be nice to people - I am actively seeking opportunities where I can serve and work and give of myself, utilizing the gifts that God has given to me. We are also now just a short drive from UNCW, which means that our new home will be open to college students who are looking for a place to "get away." In short, this new home is the beginning of an exciting new ministry for our family.

Moving is hard and unbelievably fatiguing. But moving is also exhilarating when you are following the path that you believe God has set before you. For me and my family, moving to Wilmington doesn't mean that we are starting over, because God's path for our lives hasn't changed. Instead, we are taking a turn along the way to somewhere new. Life is a journey and life is ministry. Y'all come see us!

What's wrong with ch_rch today? Could it be u?

There has been a lot of discussion over the past few years about why younger people are not returning once they graduate high school and why younger adults are checking out of church as well. A whole host of reasons have been given to explain this phenomenon: A lack of relevancy in today's church, this younger generation expressing a much greater need for community than church can offer to them, and a shift in theological perspectives.

It is likely that all of these reasons, and many more like them, are partially responsible for the church exodus from many in the younger generation. What is not apparent is whether there is one dominant reason that people just aren't all that crazy about church today. Let me be up front - I don't have a clue as to what that primary reason could be, or even if there is one. All I know if what I hear from those who find themselves less than enthused about going to church today.

Recently I had a conversation with a man who had not been to church in seventeen years. Growing up as the son of a pastor, he told me that there weren't many days that he was not "forced" to be at the church, including Friday nights when all his friends were out having a good time. Throughout his childhood he had expectations heaped on him that he felt were unrealistic and he faced what he considered unfair judgment from those he considered to be hypocritical in their treatment of him. Now a thirty-five year old father of two children, this man was still bitter about his experiences, yet he had never lost his faith in God.

What do you say to someone like that? Do you invite him to come to your church because your church isn't like that? Or maybe you secretly roll your eyes, assuming that the problem is him and not the church in which he grew up. Regardless of how you view this situation, what so many in the church today don't do is take a close look at themselves and ask, "Could I be part of the problem?"

I realize that we live in a postmodern culture where so many want to rewrite the laws of truth, and that at no time should the church ever compromise its stand on the authority of Scripture. Yet I also believe that today's church is still entrenched in a methodology that is more polarized than it is engaging.

As one who grew up in a church culture that was more formal in nature, I have a healthy respect for the traditional church. But what about those who have felt abandoned by the church? Or those who like the idea of Jesus but are completely baffled by the perceived requirements of being part of a church today? Do we just assume that they need to get over it and jump on board or are we willing to take a closer look at how we receive them when they come through our doors?

Maybe the problem isn't that people are disinterested and unwilling to accept truth. Maybe the problem is that we've unknowingly manipulated people to fit into our mold of what we believe should be acceptable for church. I believe more than ever that today's culture is screaming for relationships that are real and attainable. While church can and should provide some of most meaningful relationships possible, none of these men and women will know the joy of these kind of relationships unless we love them where they are and not where we want them to be.

The good old days are alive and well

Yesterday Chris Cornell, an icon from my younger days as a seeker of real music, died. I remember when his band Soundgarden first came out with their heavy, grimy guitar riffs and his unmistakable voice driving their songs all along the spectrum of vocal abilities - it blew my mind! I will admit that my air guitar game was strong in those days. The early 1990's were a time when bands like Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and Stone Temple Pilots were swooping in to rescue all of us from the nefarious clutches of hair metal and the really bad 1980's electronic stuff that they tried to pass off as music. I'm not too biased, am I?

As I get older I will inevitably experience the loss of those who not only entertained me in my younger years but also those whom I knew personally. Many of my friends have lost one or both parents and all of my grandparents have already passed on. Every once in a while social media lets me know that someone I knew in high school or college has succumbed to cancer or died from some other cause. Every single time that happens I pause and reflect, trying to conjure up memories of these old friends and acquaintances from places in the far corners of my mind.

This is not intended to be a sad or depressing post. Rather, this is celebration of memories if not all out nostalgia. I find my self consistently referring to the experiences of my younger years as I converse with my children (can you feel their eyes rolling through your computer screen?), realizing that I have become "one of those" adults who believes that everything was not only simpler but better back in the day.

It's not that I - nor any of my contemporaries - are going kicking and screaming into the future. I love today's technology and depend upon it just as much as today's generation does. The fact that I haven't had to walk across the room to manually turn the television channel in years has been life-changing for me. My life today has the ability to be so much more efficient than it was when I had to write all of my college and grad school papers on an electric typewriter. Can you imagine trying to type anything today without spell check?

But I have to admit, my fondest memories come from when I was younger and life for me WAS simpler. Sure, I didn't have to carry the weight of a job or family responsibilities (which I love, by the way), but the whole process of experiencing life for the first time was exhilarating. My mind wasn't cluttered with worries and anxieties like it sometimes is today, and relationships were at the forefront of everything that I pursued. That's why when I read of someone from my younger years passing on, it causes me to stop in my tracks to reflect on what, for me, will always be the good old days.

There is no doubt about it, life is short. I recently turned 47 and I can't believe how stinking old I am. Yet instead of living in the past, I relish seeing my own children create their own futures right before my eyes. Other than leading a life that points my children to the truth of Jesus, my highest goal is to live in the moment with them as they experience relationships, heart aches, achievements, and failures. As sad as it can be to see others from my childhood pass on from this earth, it's even more exciting to watch my own children and those around me blaze their own trails into the future.

Oh, one more thing. Today's music can't hold a candle to the songs of the 1990's. Thank you Chris Cornell for the memories and for Eddie Vedder and the other remaining old rockers who are still keeping it real for us today.

LIfe as a "wedding guy"

Over the next two months I will be officiating nine separate weddings along with two beach vow renewals. Now I ain't complaining because beach weddings are a lot of fun and I usually get to wear shorts and flip flops when I do them. But performing this many weddings does mean that many of my weekends are going to be tied up with rehearsals, dinners, and really fun receptions with great food. Tough life, huh?

I didn't really set out to do this many weddings and there are times that I have to say no, but at the same time I consider it an honor to come alongside couples both young and old who are ready to walk that aisle and embrace life together as a unit instead of going at it solo. One of the coolest aspects of doing weddings for me comes during the premarital counseling portion, and that's because when at all possible my wife and I tag-team those sessions. After all, if she has survived me for almost 18 years then you know she's got mad wisdom to give to any nearly newlywed!

Since I have had the privilege of performing so many wedding ceremonies over the years, I thought it would be cool to compile a list of marital wisdom to pass along, things that I have discovered on my own but also many nuggets of goodness that have been passed down to me.

Successful marriages will be 100%/100%, not 50/50.  Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, taught my wife and I this principle as we sat down with other couples to receive counseling almost 20 years ago. On the surface it may sound like semantics but it is truly so much more. If men and women aren't willing to give their full effort in marriage, then they are opening themselves up to the greater opportunity for failure. In marriage, you shouldn't go half and half. You must go all in.

Communication is key. Approaching marriage from a biblical perspective (again, creds to Dr. Gary Chapman), there are two primary forms of communication styles for couples: The Dead Sea and The Babbling Brook. I believe that those terms adequately describe themselves. The key is to recognize which style you are and which style your spouse is and then work to accommodate so that both sides can be equally heard. If you are a talker, i.e. a babbling brook, then this will take some practice but it is so worth it. Just as no marriage will be fully healthy unless it is 100/100, most marriages will struggle to survive if the conversation is always one-sided.

Marriage gives birth to a whole new family. I love to see a couple exchange vows and then pronounce them husband and wife because it is at that moment that I get to witness the birth of a whole new family unit. When the two come together as one, they share more than just a common last name - they embrace a new identity. And let me tell you, this can be a tricky point for some! I encourage newlyweds to focus all of their energy in at least the first year of marriage on this new family that they have created. This means that if he does something to hurt her feelings, she resists the urge to call her mother or her girlfriends but instead goes to him to work it out. This means he gives up his weekly poker night with the guys in favor of taking his wife out on a date so that they can strengthen their relationship. Are you used to going to Sunday lunch every week at mama's house? Start your own family tradition and go with another young couple or even on your own. I have had some balk at this suggestion, claiming that they don't want to stop doing some of things that they have always done, and I tell them that is just fine. This doesn't mean that you cut all friends and family out of your life completely But if you want to grow your new family in a healthy and holy way, then focusing more - not less - attention on each other is an essential ingredient in that formula.

Make sure to plan ahead. Almost all the weddings I have played a part in have occurred during the spring and summer months, the bride and groom taking advantage of the beautiful weather and leaves on the trees. A June wedding date is perhaps the most popular choice and there is much competition for wedding venues during that brief window of time, but I leave that up to the bride and groom-to-be to determine the dates and the details. What I mean by planning ahead is that in just a few short months the holidays will be upon them and couples suddenly realize that they can't be in two places at one time. Whose house will they choose to go to for Thanksgiving dinner? Around whose family tree will they gather at Christmas time? These decisions are very important and they go back to my previous point about focusing on each other as new family unit. Bottom line is that you can't please everyone and therefore you should not try to do so. Divide and conquer may be the best alternative - his parents for Thanksgiving, hers for Christmas, or vice versa - but either way there is no need to kill yourself to accommodate all sides when there are only two of you. This is another one of those less-than-fun conversations for married couples to have, but it is far better to have it earlier on than before the seasons are almost upon you and promises have been made.

"Submit" is not a four-letter word. The ceremonies that I lead are usually fairly brief in nature, typically no more than twenty-five minutes. A big reason for that is because you didn't come to hear me preach - you came to celebrate seeing loved ones and good friends get married! My ceremonies are also completely based upon concepts of marriage as spelled out in the Bible, and I speak from passages from Genesis, Ephesians, and 1 Corinthians. Inevitably, when I speak from Ephesians chapter 5, there will be some that balk over the word "submit," especially since the Bible says that women are called to submit to their husbands. I do my best to explain this concept not only to the bride and the groom, but also to all who are in attendance in an effort to not have tomatoes thrown at me (none yet to date). If you are at wedding or about to get married and you are worried about the word submit, let me break it down for you just like I do in the weddings that I perform:

• The word "submit" doesn't mean that the man cracks the whip and the wife does whatever he says. Rather, it carries with it the greater idea of respect, and in the Ephesians 5 passages mutual submission for the husband and wife is what we see first.
• So when a wife is asked to submit to her husband, she is being called to respect and follow his leadership...
• ...which in turn puts a huge responsibility on the husband to be the kind of leader that his wife wants to follow.
• In summary, the wife is not asked to submit because she is anyway inferior to her husband, but rather because God, in His creative order, set man to be head of the home.

There are still some that think this is too old fashioned, but in doing so they are missing the point. Having the wife remain barefoot and pregnant is not in mind here. Rather, God has established a healthy balance of leadership that both the husband and wife have an equally large role in which to play.

Marriage is a wonderful thing but it can also be incredibly difficult. It takes lots of work and constant attention. I have been blessed to be married to a women who for almost eighteen years has worked tirelessly to see that our marriage is successful. We both truly enjoy passing along our success (and sometimes not so success) stories to couples both young and old who are considering entering into this amazing covenant relationship with one another. Feel free to share any other words of wisdom that you have learned in the comments!

Mouth issues

Yesterday I had the privilege of preaching James 3:1-12 at my church. Yesterday I also faced the dread of preaching James 3:-12 at my church. Why the dread? Because this passage of Scripture addresses the power of the tongue, i.e. of the words that we use, and just how destructive they can be. As someone whose words have gotten him into hot water time and time again, I felt like I was speaking into a mirror the entire time, hearing words that I desperately needed to hear but so badly wanted to avoid.

Take a minute to recall some contentious conversations you may have recently had. Did you get angry and lose your temper, resulting in harsh words and a louder than healthy volume? Or are you the master of the art of sarcasm, cutting into others with your cruel wit and venom? How about gossip? Have you spent a lot of time recently criticizing others, knocking their worth and value down a few pegs? I could go on, but I think that you get the idea.

We ALL struggle with the words that we say, just some of us more than others. And think of the damage that words can inflict: Hurt or even ruined relationships; reduced trust that others have in you; skewing someone's self-esteem; even driving others to harm themselves. And as a parent, I shudder to think of how my careless words have led my own children to believe that such language was okay.

In James 3, there are several examples of just how devastating our words can be:

• They are capable of leading us in directions we don't want to go (3:3-5)
• They are like a raging fire, burning anyone in their path (3:6)
• They are like an untameable beast that runs out of control (3:7-8)
• And harmful words can function as a paradox, completely contradicting the words of hope, grace, and love that we should be using. (3:9-12)

Word are powerful and once they are spoken they cannot be unsaid. Careless words also have consequences that we often are not prepared to deal with. Many a man and woman have ruined relationships, alienated friends and family, and annihilated trust because of the poisonous venom of the tongue.

Words should matter to us because they most certainly matter to God. He gave us life and breath, the ability to communicate with our words, and He did not intend that we misuse the gifts that He has given to us. As one who has struggled for many years to tame my own tongue, allow me to leave you with what I believe will be a few suggestions that all of us can benefit from when it comes to taming the power of the tongue:

1. Speak only words that heal, not hurt (Proverbs 12:18)
2. Think before you speak (Ephesians 4:29)
3. Hold yourself to the same standard of speech that you set for others (Proverbs 15:1)
4. Speak only the words that you would say if Jesus was physically in the room with you (Psalm 19:14)

Our words are powerful and what we say matters. Guard your tongues and the words that you say. Filter your speech so that what you say draws people to Jesus instead of pushing them away from Him. 

I'll take one order of higher ground to go, please

Higher ground. It's where people go when rising waters threaten to devastate their homes and everything else that they cherish. Going to higher ground during a major hurricane or flood is a no-brainer. If you stay where you are, then there is really only one option - you will get soaked at best and washed away at worst. Who wants to drown in swirling waters when there is a safe refuge nearby?

America just finished a contentious election. I know, I'm Master of the Obvious, right? Social media has allowed America's citizens to voice their glee and dismay, optimism and devastation at the click of a few buttons. Depending upon whom your digital "friends" are, you have probably seen a whole host of not-so-friendly posts from those who believe a new age of awesomeness has been ushered in - or is it a new age of going to hell in a hand basket?

Every single time I read someone's impassioned thoughts on social media, I realize that there will be many vultures coming out of the woodwork to pick at the meat of those thoughts. This is not always a bad thing. I love the fact that we have dissenting voices in America because I truly believe that diversity is a beautiful thing.

But let's be honest. What you and I have seen and heard the past few days has been anything but beautiful, much less helpful. I get it - people are angry and upset or elated and overjoyed. Yet time and time again I've seen my friends and acquaintances wade back into the danger zone of a flood of emotions and vitriol that has no exit door.

It's time to take the higher ground.

I am not one to tip my hat to my political leanings because, well, they are kind of complicated. I am a registered Independent and I do my best to vote issues, not people. But man, it has been so difficult these past couple of days to refrain from responding to bigoted, arrogant, selfish, and near-sighted posts from many of my friends on social media! Yet I have avoided doing just that.

Why? Besides the obvious that I've yet to ever see a social media post about politics ever make the world a better place, I choose to take the higher ground. And that's not because I'm some sort of exceptional person or anything. It's just that I realized that if I got me feet even just a little bit wet in the flood of negativity, vitriol, and hate, then the rest of me would be swimming before long.

Look, if you're mad, then I get it. And if you are celebrating, I get it too. Yet I also realize that our country is divided into many different segments of people who have radically different world views of which they are zealously passionate. And while there are a few people out there that actually want to discuss issues, most want to assassinate another person's character, whether that person is the winner, the loser, or sitting in front of a keyboard. Thanks, but no thanks.

My friends, please take the higher ground. Before you dip your toe into that cesspool of incivility and hatred, head for the hills. Log off of social media. Refrain from pushing the "hate" and "ignorance" buttons on your keyboard. Some of the best agents of change were those who anticipated disaster and took a different route to avoid it altogether. Never heard of them? That's the whole point. If you are someone who has already voiced toxic opinions, then you can't take back what you have said (or typed) but you can step toward the higher ground.

Can I leave you with the most amazing example of what this looks like? 2,000 years ago a man named Jesus took everything that His haters could throw at Him and the only defense He took was with the truth that He proclaimed. As a result, He received a death sentence. Even then He chose to respond not with hate but instead took the higher ground on a cross perched on hill outside of town. He did this for you and He did this for me so that we could be saved from our sin and ourselves and thus take the higher ground in the future - that perch from which we could also treat our friends and neighbors and fellow country men with the same love and respect that He afforded to us.

Get out of the water and take to higher ground. It's not too late.

Loving your neighbor is easy, said no one ever

In the almost 17 years that I have been married to the woman of my dreams, we've lived in four different locations. When we lived in a country setting, our neighbors were maybe within shouting distance if the wind was at our backs. At other times, only a wall stood between us and our neighbors, leaving us feeling as I we needed to whisper a lot.

As very social people, my wife and I truly enjoy trying to get to know the people around us, and it's not uncommon for our kids to barge right on in someone else's home without even thinking about it (although we do tell them to at least knock first). We love having neighbors and being able to share life with them.

Except for when we didn't.

A few years ago a new family moved into our neighborhood and immediately our radar tracked them down. Where were they from (that way we could have an instant conversation starter)? Did they have kids close to the ages of ours? Were they outgoing or interested in spiritual things? All of these questions and more were on our minds except for one: Will we get along with them? We didn't even think that because, well, we get along with everybody!

Let me cut to the chase here. Things did not go smoothly with our new neighbors. It wasn't so much that we had little in common with them or had completely different backgrounds and world views than they did, which was true. What really strained any potential relationship was that their kids didn't play well with our kids. This may sound trivial at first, but when their kids started saying bad things about our kids started sharing negative things with us about their kids, the protective mode kicked in and we found it hard to be objective, especially when what our kids were telling us appeared to be true. Bottom line: It was hard for us to like, much less love, our neighbors. 

As followers of Jesus, this put us in a pickle. After all, in Matthew 22:38 Jesus commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves. That meant that in spite of what I perceived was going on down the street, I needed to be committed to love them anyway. Yet this was exactly what we struggled most to do. We didn't enjoy their company and I'm pretty sure they  weren't too crazy about hanging with us either. We wanted to love them but struggled to know how. 

As time would have it, they didn't stay our neighbors that long before moving to another state. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit relieved when their moving truck headed out of town, yet I knew that I had failed on one of the most basic commands that Jesus had ever given. I had failed to love my neighbors as myself. 

Let's be real for a minute. Many of us prefer to tolerate other people as opposed to truly seeking to love them. But tolerance isn't love. Love is love. And  I don't know about you, but I've never tolerated anyone into a relationship with Jesus. It simply doesn't work that way.

After realizing the error in my perspective on loving my neighbor, I also came to the realization that loving others is a whole lot harder than I was willing to admit. Yes, I have traveled all over the world and loved on complete strangers, yet I had missed out on the greatest mission field I could possibly find: My own backyard.

If you or I can't love our neighbors then we can't really love God either. Loving God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength is irrevocably connected to loving other people. You can't do one without the other, for if you truly love God then you will find a way to love your neighbor. 

I've learned my lesson. Bring on the next moving van.