It really makes you think

This morning I was given some news that really took me back. A man in the ministry that I have admired for many years, one who in the times that I spent with him mentored and encouraged me, died on Friday. Shaken, I went to the website of the church he pastored and found that indeed he did go home to be with Jesus on Friday but no further details were available.

The thought of one of my spiritual heroes dying so young (he was in his younger 40's) really troubled me most of the day. This afternoon there was an update on the church website that briefly explained what happened: After a fight with his wife he took his own life. I simply could not believe this to be true. Maybe this was some sort of a sick joke or a bad mistake but no, it was true. I struggle as I type this to even believe that this whole scenario is actually real.

The fact that my friend took his life doesn't change the grieving process for me, it just takes it in an unexpected direction. Before I heard that he took his life I had planned on blogging about him but certainly not in this way. Regardless of how he chose to end his life, this man has left an indelible print on my life and ministry.

So what does all this mean? It means that no one is immune to sources of frustration or anger or depression that are so deep that they can cause us to act in the most unthinkable of ways. It's ironic that just this morning in the class I teach we discussed how pastors are just as vulnerable to stresses and struggles as anyone else. Our God is good but ultimately we are limited and we make decisions that unfortunately cannot be reversed.

Is my friend in heaven? I have no doubt that he is in the presence of King Jesus. He lived a life of passionately teaching the gospel both here and abroad. My friend loved Jesus and there was no ambiguity about it. He also had an upbringing that I wouldn't wish on many people, one full of neglect and abuse. Could this have contributed to his decision? Perhaps there were wounds that were never dealt with or that simply never healed. Whatever the case I don't think that I will ever know. What I do know is that I will miss my friend and his incredible ministry and I will continue to pray for his family so that in the midst of this insanity God can begin to heal what looks to be unmendable.